4:50 pm – On my way out to the store, I ran across one of the managers of the property. I don’t know if she is also one of the owners but since they are new, they haven’t had time to figure out who’s who. Now if one of the nosey neighbors said anything, then I’m sure Caly will get a notice taped to her door like last time. I told “Sara” get her sister but do not just yell at her from the drive way. We do not need the entire neighborhood looking at us. As I suspected , she mumbled under her breath and grumbled then said she’d rather o.d. than go back to living out of the mini-van. I said we don’t have a choice right now and she’s just gonna have to deal with it. She brightened up when I told her about doing articles for change.org and I asked her to write about how she feels about how life has been. She took interest in that and is sitting at Caly’s table writing in a notebook.
I told my sister I’m not going to my brother’s surprise party as I don’t think people would appreciate me coughing all over. That and the fact that I noticed that the fee for dinner ranges from $10.00 – $15.00 per person at the place everybody is meeting up at. Once Sara saw that she said “Well, I guess we’re not going then.”
My daughter wrote these and as I looked at the words, I wanted to cry.
Shadows by Sara Skye
I live in the shadows, meaning I was never here if I want to live here. My mom tells me we’re not allowed to live here, cuz we’re not on the lease. So we have to stay quiet, not broadcast we’re here. We can’t let the manager see us either. Thinking about it makes me want to cry or kill myself. My mom says we’re probably going to live out of the van, even though we just got out of the rv. So now I’m fat AND homeless, the kind that never lasts long. Maybe I should barf after I eat then I can be a whore and make a living since you don’t need an address for that job. Or I can just o.d.. I want to scream! It’s only a matter of time till we’re in the van. We’re supposed to be in the shadows but my sister runs through the neighborhood screaming all the way plus I walk to school where EVERYONE can see me. Then I’ll have no home (or a roof that doesn’t move). Mom don’t have a job, so we’ll “move”. I’ll change schools, this time leaving no one cuz I didn’t make any friends, and relive living in a rv, this time a van. If I see tomorrow. But for now I’m living in the shadows, trying to see the light.
There is no Sara Skye
There is no Sara Skye, she died when I died. Sara Skye is a nobody because I consider myself an empty shell because most of the time I’m numb. It’s like I’m physically here but everything inside me is dead. What I wanted to be when I grew up is what Sara Skye was supposed to be but now there is no future, no hope, there is nothing. I don’t even know if I’ll see tomorrow. Sometimes I hate my mom but then I get frustrated and stuff because I’m angry all the time and I don’t take the time to process what I’m feeling.
There’s no place like home by Sara Skye (When we were living out of the r.v.)
“There’s no place like home,” has never been so true especially where I live. It’s a rusted up, beat up, ol’ tin can on wheels with no power, no heat and no room. While most people look forward to going home, it’s the one thing I dread. Instead of walking through a front door, I climb through a car door. Instead of a nice green back yard or a nice view, I get the faded black-gray and spray on paint of a Fred Meyer’s back lot. Instead of my own room and a nice bed, I got a moldy folding bunk to share with my sister. When I wake up it isn’t bright and warm, instead it’s dark and cold and really early.
I might get breakfast before we’re dropped off, probably after. Then I get to go to school where there’s bullies, I don’t fit in and feel really fat, ugly and embarrassed. It’s also where I sometimes cry. When that’s over, I get to go back to the unlicensed daycare and listen to screaming kids I hate. Mentally I escape for a while. But then my mom comes and I feel my face burn up as I crawl into the tin can that is my home and transportation. My embarrassment. After probably eating and definitely screaming, we pull into a lot, I pull out the bunk, crawl into my sleeping bag next to my sister, try to sleep and start all over again.
Hmmmph! There really is no place like home, that doesn’t mean it’s a good thing.
I assured my daughter, that I will do everything in my power to help make her life more bearable. I made a promise to this kid that I would see death before I let anything happen to her and I will not let her fail herself nor do I want her to see me as a failure. She assures me that she was just venting and sometimes writing like this makes her feel better. I wish I could be sure about that.